Sobriety

Let's talk about drinking, ok? Maybe you already know this or maybe you don't, but I am an alcoholic. Yup, total booze hound. I can't drink "socially" or "have just one". When I drink, I drink in excess. I drink until I am black out drunk & then I still drink & drink & drink. But here's the thing, I don't do it anymore. Yup, total recovering booze hound. I'm sober.

This is my story.

Two Summers ago I was recently divorced & really into playing trivia at my local dive bar. But really, I was just super into drinking at my local dive bar. Drinking & making out with random scumbags; the trivia was just an added bonus. So anyway, I went to the bar on a Tuesday night to play trivia & I started drinking. I spent a bunch of money & got really drunk. It was nothing out of the ordinary, I did that every night. But this night I got black out drunk & didn't bother finding a place to sleep, instead I walked across the street & waited for the bus out of town. What happens next is still foggy. I'm not sure at what point I passed out in the gutter, but I did. I passed out on the side of the road in my postcard perfect town & I woke up in jail, handcuffed to a wall. I don't know what happened in between that. But apparently it involved a lot of cops, handcuffs & a belligerent drunk girl (yeah, me).

I woke up in a tiny holding cell to find my younger sister & my mother there to pick me up, totally ashamed & embarrassed, wishing they were anywhere but there. It was somewhere around three am & I was still loaded. I couldn't walk. I couldn't even stand up. I don't remember what my blood alcohol was but I was charged with public drunkenness for being a danger to myself & others. I had hit rock fucking bottom but like I said, I was still drunk so I didn't yet realize it. It wasn't until the next morning when I woke up & sobered up that I realized just how far I had fallen. It didn't matter that months leading up to this I had alienated friends & lost jobs because of my drinking. It didn't matter that I had been kicked out of my apartment for falling three months behind on rent because every cent I made went to whiskey. It didn't matter that my standards when it came to men were pretty much totally non-existent. None of that even registered. But that morning, two Summers ago I woke up in the spare room of my Mother's house with bruised wrists & a vague memory of a holding cell & I knew something had to change.

I had to get sober.

So I did. I quit drinking. I just stopped. The first couple days I was really sick. I felt scared & confused. I couldn't sleep. All I did was think about how deciding to quit drinking was a huge mistake & I didn't really have a problem, just a really bad night. I had severe shakes but I told myself that wasn't withdrawal, that was because I hadn't eaten in a few days. It was probably both. I couldn't eat without barfing. My body was pissed & I was scared. I decided I had to drink some whiskey or else I would probably die. The only problem was, I had told my sisters & my mother that I was done with the booze & I was not going to let them see me fail so easily. My stupid fucking ego was forcing me to be sober & I was pissed.

521 days later I still haven't had a drink.

Getting sober meant changing pretty much every aspect of my life. I lost a bunch of friends because I couldn't go to the bar anymore & they weren't interested in doing much else. I also had to work to repair the friendships that mattered to me. It was humbling to say "hey listen, I fucked up. a lot, for a long time but I love you & I want you in my life, if you'll have me." I also had to prove to my coworkers & my boss that I was worthy of keeping my job. That I wouldn't show up hungover anymore, having to run to the bathroom to vomit a few times before being able to really do anything, always stinking of booze & cigarettes & usually wearing the same clothes for days at a time. I also had to begin to repair a reputation in my tiny town, a reputation that was pretty awful. I had become an embarrassment & it would take some time to fix that.

Sobriety is a motherfucker.

Living sober is the hardest thing I have ever done. It is scary & lonely & I think about drinking all the time. But it is also the most rewarding thing ever. Since I quit drinking I enrolled in community college & I'm almost finished my first semester. I'm in college. Holy shit! I have the time & energy to go to school, write papers, do homework. Two Summers ago I didn't even have time to take a shower or call my father. The few friends I have are supportive & beautiful, sharing with me life events that don't involve sitting belly-up to a bar. I appreciate the second chances I have received. I don't know if I actually deserved those second (& sometimes third, fourth, etc) chances. I appreciate the new friendships I have been lucky enough to gain since getting sober, feeling really good that those friends didn't know "drunk taryn" but never hiding her from them. I am very honest about my addiction.

There is a very strong sober community within punk rock & I feel undeserving at times to be a part of it. At the same time though, you guys... I'm afraid that one day I'll lose this fight & find myself drinking again. I am human & I don't always know if I'm strong enough to do this. But the saying "one day at a time" exists for a reason & it's not bullshit. Sometimes though, I have to take it one hour at a time. For a long time, my coping mechanism was booze. My escape was being drunk. I have spent these last however many months dealing with my shit, fessing up to the fact that I have a lot of stuff I need to deal with & that drowning myself in whiskey won't help, it won't fix me. I may never be fixed but I will slowly become better at being ok with me, broken or not.

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If you want to get sober & you need help please do not hesitate to reach out. I can be contacted via email at tarynhipp@gmail.com & if you are sober & struggling please please please email me. We can do this, together.

SOBRIETY RESOURCES:
Maranda's story about battling addiction and booze. Totally honest & inspiring & beautiful.

Filling the Void zine by Cindy Crabb of Doris zine available at Click Clack Distro. A collection of stories about punks kicking booze.